The darkness is here
I felt it coming
I asked for help
But I wasn’t heard
The darkness is here
It’s here and now I accept it
I sit with it
I try not to get suffocated
I wait for the numbness
It’s oddly comfortable
And now I wait
It will pass
All things do
Not knowing how to find help
Not knowing too
Or like part of the landscape
The part that doesn’t need tending
Because it’s just there and takes care of itself
The ground cover
Provides stability for the trees and the soil
Sometimes it flowers
Mostly it quietly
Clarity comes when the numbness settles
I know the triggers
I know the signs
I breathe in
There is comfort in the clear numbness
Then alone is not lonely
Alone is comfort
Alone is peace
It is Pieces
Too many to gather
Too many to integrate
Numbness permits inaction
It gives relief
I need relief
I have had this blog page for about a year now. I haven’t written much but in fact have thought about it quite a lot. Mostly I think that who am I to babble on and expect anyone to read it. But since the thought continues to present itself to me, I have decided to honor it and write. I am not sure the goal other than to listen to that quite voice. Perhaps to share some thoughts or perhaps to simply record them. Either way, welcome.
The last many, many months have been difficult ones for me. They have been dark~very dark. As I emerge from the darkness and feel happiness again, I do so with a certain amount of excitement but also trepidation. For I find that there is safety in the darkness. I am unable to accomplish much beyond simply being; a monumental and exhausting task I assure you. Disassociated, incapable, numb but somehow safe in the silence.
With help from various sources I find myself peeking over the edge of the hole, excited to see the light once again. Pleased to be able to brush myself off, to rediscover my strength, and realize that simply hanging on and being was enough and that’s okay. That as I feel something besides great sadness again I can be comfortable with the fact that depression is a part of who I am, a diagnosis that doesn’t define me but definitely affects me. It’s a lonely thing wrought with comfort and pain simultaneously.
I feel like I should share so that others may benefit, but am concerned that my private life should stay just that. As I dance with that notion, I think of a friend, a retreat and a theme song. I chuckle as I think of “I hope you dance” by Lee Anne Womack. This life I am living certainly is a dance, so I guess as much as dancing makes me uncomfortable…I guess I am indeed dancing. And really that’s not a bad thing.
Days don’t always go the way they are planned, or envisioned. Some days better, some worse. What starts as mundane might twist into exciting and new. And likewise what was planned to be a fun and fantastic adventure sometimes fizzles into nothingness or disappointment. The thing is one never knows. But what I do know, what I have learned is that as long as I look at the day with a lens of gratitude, then no matter what manifests itself, in the end it was a good day.
I have a pair of sunglasses with pink lenses. The glasses are a tangible reminder to me to view the world through rose colored glasses. Some may find this naive or juvenile, even silly. But I have seen the dark places, I have felt the hopelessness of despair. Even with a grateful heart these darker places can be seen; but with a paradigm shift or a lens correction the good can be more easily seen, the hope can be more easily felt. The glasses help me to see things from a brighter place, a better perspective.
Sometimes it takes more than a little reminder. Sometimes it takes help. That help may come from so many different places…family, friends, strangers, maybe a book or a religion, and maybe even a pharmacy. You see another thing I have learned on this journey is that we are all strong yet feeble, wise yet foolish, healthy yet ill, brave yet scared. In these combinations dwells our spirit. As we guide it, or more correctly–it us, through this life one thing is most certain…yes it could sometimes be better….but more importantly it can always be worse.
So I choose to be grateful and see the world through my rose colored glasses. I choose to embrace my complexities and to remember that I am loved and never alone because God is at my side, holding me up with His love.
Well May has certainly brought a few surprises with it! See that’s the thing about life you never know what is going to happen next. The phone may ring and your life could change; or you might hear a familiar voice call your name and suddenly your heart is racing and your life is topsey turvey. Maybe you will be driving down the street and realize that you are loved more than you could ever hope to be and your eyes fill with the knowledge of that love. Surprises are bound to happen. They are part of life. We live our lives not knowing what will happen next to a certain extent. But what about the things that are ours for the choosing, the things that we can imagine and fashion and create?
A journey is the act of getting from one place to another. That place most often is a physical one; perhaps it can be a spiritual or emotional place as well. Some of us wander from place to place taking shelter from the storms that often come with surprises not knowing exactly where to go. Some of us go by a detailed itinerary knowing exactly what direction to go in and how far to go between stops and thereby staying safe and secure, but seldom looking from side to side. Some of us travel down a twisted path strewn with obstacles left behind by those traveling before us or with us, trying to make the path a safer journey for those that come behind us. There is no one journey nor one route to travel.
So what’s a person to do? Which is the better way to go? How will we know we have arrived?
As a person who has spent much of my life wandering the path seeking shelter from storms and trying to make the journey easier for those around me I think it’s time to pull out a GPS and plot my journey. I enjoy the whimsy that comes with wandering, with seeing the unseen and experiencing things in a personal way. I treasure taking life as God sees fit to bless me. But this wandering, it has left me tired. And I think it is time to dream up a route. I think it is time to dream for myself and determine where to go next. To provide myself with an itinerary. Not to stop wandering all together, but perhaps to purposefully wander with a destination in mind that is less vague. I am not interested in blazing any new trails…I am far too tired for that! And I don’t seek to go quickly past all the treasures that lay on my path while on a rigid all to direct route. Rather it is time to dream about where I want to be, and to find a path that is less full of distraction and disturbances.
And so I shall invoke my GPS, God’s Planning Service, and with His help and guidance I will choose a destination, get some directions and dare to dream a dream that really will come true! I will keep you posted, it is sure to be an interesting journey!